Pole Dancing In The Dark

A little mood enhancer

for the following post... nice creepy fall like cemetary picture to add mood to the list...

I really love Halloween... can't you tell?

Howlin' for Halloween

Every year I provide some basic common sense hints as a public service to ensure that all my gentle readers survive Halloween so that they may still be around to read my blog and give me hits on November 1st. I consider it a tradition.

The list has actually been around for many years, with my adoring public adding additional hints as the years go by - as there are always new and terrible dangers out there in the real world. My thanks goes out to those who started this PSA and to those who endeavor to make it more comprehensive. My particular thanks goes out to an old long lost friend that goes by the name of More or Lyta in the web world, for he is the one that started it all. Happy Halloween – and be safe.

For all you ghouls and goblins, here are some rules to keep you safe on Halloween:

1.When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead. It isn't.

2.Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3.Do not search the basement or attic, even if the power is out.

4.If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language that they should not know, shoot them immediately. Shooting them will save you much grief in the long run; however, it will take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This tip also applies to anyone who speaks with someone else's voice.

5.When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go alone.

6.As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7.Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This rule also applies to any other house of the dead.

8.If you are searching for something that caused a loud noise and find out that it was just the cat, get the hell out. Expeditiously.

9.If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits. Again, get the hell out.

10.Do not take anything from the dead. No matter how much you like it, it's bound to disagree with you sooner or later.

11.If you find a town that looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12.Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13.If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice--more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14.If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15.Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Haddonfield, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, and any small town in Maine, Maryland, and Massachusetts.

16.If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to use the telephone. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself in the head. You are going to die anyway and most likely be eaten.

17.Beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, and ice picks.

18.If you discover that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This rule also applies to previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion.

19. If there are supernatural elements going on around you, don't have sex. Especially if you are a blond.

20. If you are a blond, dye your hair! You have a much better chance of survival if you are a brunette, or redhead. (I guess we don't taste as good or something...)

21. Stay out of cornfields, woods and bodies of water. These are locations where no one will hear you if you scream, or if the do hear you, they will never find you in time.

22. Stay out of big old scary looking mansions, nothing good ever comes from your visit, no matter how considerate a houseguest you are.

23. Never back slowly down stairs, around corners, or through doorways. You have just been where you are coming from and you should know that the threat is not there.

24. If the phone goes dead just when you are about to call for help, don't waist time jiggling the receiver cradle and shouting "Hello" into the receiver. Giving away your position while masking the sounds of the opponents approach is NOT a good tactic.

25. For Heaven's sake, listen to us Moors residents when we tell you to "Keep to the roads, lads!"

26. Stay away from dusty old tomes with questionable fabric covers.

27. Never try to read aloud from books when they are written in some obscure dead language, even if you are a linguistics expert. There are reasons why certain languages are dead.

28. Never say, “It could be worse,” because it will get much worse.

29. Never turn your back on stuffed animals, dolls or clowns. They may seem innocent enough, but they are really demons laying in wait.

30. Do not try destroying same dolls, animals or clowns with fire, water, or exorcism, as this only pisses them off. Just resign yourself to the fact that your life is over.

31. Never invite a ghost or spirit to show itself. It may think that you want it to stay and will make itself at home…

32. Never go camping in the woods on Halloween.

33. Ignore the others who say it will be fun and never go to one of those creepy looking traveling funhouses on Halloween, either. Boo!

34. If the phone rings, don't bother answering it. Go curl up in a corner and resign yourself to the end. It's the killer and he is already in the house, or is outside watching you.

35. If you forget/drop/lose something while a monster is on the loose, it probably isn't the wisest idea to go looking for it later. This principle especially applies to cats.

36. Beware of people in masks. It might not actually be a mask...

37. Never investigate old broken down mansions, especially in Texas. In fact, it’s best to stay out of Texas, New Orleans or any sort of swamp like area all-together.

38. Don’t ever watch unfamiliar and bizarre videotapes.

39. Never let the little bitch out of the well.

40. Never trust computers with little girl avatars

41. Never stroll from room to room, searching for your boyfriend/girlfriend whilst simultaneously calling their name.

Example:

"Tommy? Are your in there? Tommy? Is that you?"

And...if this is happening immediately after sex, resign yourself to your fate immediately and dispatch yourself before the monster gets the chance.

42. Never be the only person at a supernatural outing (whether intentional or unintentional) wearing a red shirt.

43. Never have sex with the overtly horny camp counselor. She will inevitably die first, but you can count on being next in line

44. Donald Pleasance shows up, just recognize you're in a whole lot of great big trouble.

45. Never help a clown out of a drain hole - all clowns are evil!

46. Don't make fun of or play with dead things.

47. If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do not try to 'help' them - they will eat you.

48. If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.

49. Never have sex in the bunk beds of recently renovated summer camps.

50. Whenever you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

51. Do not allow crewmates back aboard the craft if and after you have found a hideous parasite attached to his/her body.

52. Be forewarned that a gun is only good for ALMOST killing the monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra weapon, preferably one with "flair" (a knife, a harpoon, a heavy box, razor confetti, pop tarts...)

53. Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT was dead.

54. Never bathe, especially when in the house alone.

55. If you are a female, never expose yourself. Easy women die fast.

56. Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.

PS: Please feel free to either add on or let me know if there are any duplicates...

Hit with a meme

I've been tagged with a meme via email by the wonderful T.F. Stern.

1. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen?
The Exorcist - that one still creeps the bejeepers out of me. And the first time I saw the Ring. I had trouble sleeping after that one for... seven days!

2. 2. What was your favorite Halloween Costume from childhood, and adulthood?
My Miss Universe 2000 costume was my favorite. It's too bad I had to wear a freakin' winter parka over it that year. (there was six inches of snow and it was still falling when we were trick or treating...) Maybe it should have been Miss Alaska 2000. No favorites from adulthood. Yet.

3. If you had an unlimited budget, what would your Fantasy Costume be for this Halloween?
Some sort of Princess from the Victorian era. Just like those dresses.

4. When was the last time you went Trick Or Treating?
Last time? You mean I was supposed to stop?

5. What's your favorite Halloween Candy?
I always loved the cheap waxed bottles, sugar dots on paper kind of candy.

6. Tell us about a scary nightmare you had.
Zombies... all the time the freakin' zombies. Freud, I am sure, would have a field day with me. Oh, and alligators too - sometimes both at the same time. Running from zombies to jump in alligator infested water.

7. What is your Supernatural Fear?
Evil spirit messing with me while I am trying to sleep.

8. What is your Creepy-Crawlie Fear?
Spiders... agree with TF on this, they bother me massively. Especially when I am watching TV and one starts weaving a little web on my glasses (true story).

9. Tell us about a time when you saw a ghost, or heard something go Bump in the night.
One night when I was in college, I heard knocking coming from under my bed. I looked under it trying to figure out what it was and there was my Ouija board - which I had put on the top shelf of my closet that night.

10. Would you ever stay in a real Haunted House overnight?
I'm not sure. I'd like too, but I'm afraid that I would run out screaming like a wee lass if I actually ran into anything really freaky.

11. Are you a traditionalist (just a face) Jack O'Lantern Carver, or do you get really creative with your pumpkins?
I would love to get creative but I am too lazy to even carve a pumpkin.

12. How much do you decorate your home for Halloween?
Not much. I have these skeletons that you can stake in your lawn, and have lights for their eyes, but I have no outdoor outlet to plug them in.

13. What do you want on your Tombstone?
Brought joy to many, trouble to few... (best I could come up with on a Saturday morning with only one cup of coffee...)

More Brains...

I knew all those Zombie nightmares would pay off... matter of fact, I had one last night. The timing is a wee bit creepy...

mmmm....brains....

hat tip: stolen from my Maximum Leader over at Naked Villainy.

Another thought

I have just decided that I am not a team player, I don't like this whole agile development model (because I fear change and I see some MAJOR ISSUES sneaking up on us) and if I hear that damned pig/chicken diner story again, I will have to HURT SOMEONE.

Oh yeah, there is stress...

Just a thought

Did anyone ever think that instead of blaming either Bush's or Clinton's failed diplomatic policies with North Korea that it may just be possible that neither option mattered... that perhaps the blame of the failed policies should be laid soley at the feet of the insane whack-job that is now running North Korea?

Short version: Anyone besides me believe that Kim Jong II was going to build and detonate a nuke no matter who was in office? No matter what version of diplomacy was used?

Just my thought on the subject. Perhaps I am being naive...

Move along

Nothing to see here...

Life has been insane again. The Axe is about to fall again at work and the tensions are mounting. Mass layoffs despite the fact that the stock has shot through the roof and the corporation is now purchasing smaller companies and building a new factory. They say cuts all across the board which last time meant the dissolution of whole divisions...

needless to say, I am stressed. No matter how hard one may work, they are always a target for reduction of headcount. It's kind of demotivating.

On the personal side, since cycle one didn't reap any benefits for the whole creating life thing, I am starting cycle two. I have also volunteered myself for being a human pin cushion. A "friend" of mine said she did a lot of research and found that acupuncture can increase chances up to 40%. This person isn't the type to just casually believe these things.

So, what the hell, I tried it. Today was the first session. I know you all who have never had it won't believe this... but the needles don't hurt... not at all. It 'was oddly relaxing.

Other than that... Happy 10 Year Anniversary, hubster. It may be a day early, but I know I won't get to a blog entry tomorrow. I love you handsome man... I wouldn't go through all this for just anyone. :)