Pole Dancing In The Dark

Home for the Holidays

I wanted to take a moment out of my overwhelming busy schedule to wish each and every reader of this site a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Yule, and Happy New Year.

Thank you to all who have read this site, especially those who have cared enough to comment at it - minus the spammers (woo hoo! I have spam! I have arrived!!!!) of course.

May the holiday season find you surrounded by happy healthy loved ones and may your wishes be granted - only in a good way, of course...

I hope to see you all on the flip side!

Out to Lunch - a rant

Well, that time of year is upon us and with it comes the insanity of supposedly “celebrating the season.” The reason that I say supposedly is that lately it seems that we are now required to make the season all ready more perfect than it was in the past. We are supposed to go shopping, bake cookies, decorate the house, make dinners, hors d'oeuvres, wrap presents and in general be nice to everyone, no matter how much they annoy the crap out of you.

I don’t know if I have the time or the patience to put up with all that unnecessary crap this year. Actually, I am lacking the patience for anything. I have been downright cranky for the last few weeks. Don’t tell the hubs that I admitted to that, because I don’t want to face his knowing look and the “I could have told you that” smirk – I may be forced to smack him upside the noggin’. See? Cranky. Threatening the hubster with violence. Not good.

Most of the aggravation stems from the fact that I have been working my ass off (figuratively) at work lately because there are some people who just can’t code… making my job harder than it needs to be, especially when testing a new feature. But it isn’t just because the software patches are sometime wonky, it’s more the attitude driving the testing. It may take the software engineers three days to create a patch – but I have to get all the testing done RIGHT NOW!!!

Also, I am so very tired of the same old same old arguments that continually seem to get recycled. I am speaking of the political as well as the personal inter-family ones. For example, my mother – staunch democrat (and I love her anyway) and I were out last night Christmas shopping. She starts out with whole “When Clinton lied, no one died” meme – which I kind of just ignored. I don’t have the patience to broach the whole “Bush didn’t lie and there were a whole bunch o’ dems that believed that Saddam had WMD’s before Bush was even in office the first term and Clinton bombed the hell out of a baby aspirin factory in Baghdad because he believed there was manufacturing of Chemical weapons and when are you going to stop repeating everything you hear at school?” (Yeah, she’s a VP at a Catholic School – and she taught school for a helluva long time as well. It’s where I learned the beauty of a really long run on sentence.) Basically it just boils down to, “STFU.” But I would never say that to my mother. She could probably still wrassel me down long enough to shove a bar of soap in my pie whole – and I would have it coming.

But on the recycled familial debates – it boils down to my brother. I love my brother because he is… my brother and I guess I have to. But as a person, I don’t like him at all. He’s one of those jerk offs that thinks it’s funny to whack some poor unsuspecting slob (which is usually me) upside the head, or on the back, or the ass, or the calf, or in the stomach and then act all dejected when the former unsuspecting slob tries to either 1. retaliate or 2. give him a much deserved verbal lashing about how unfunny that shit is. If it isn’t physical, he also likes to verbally berate people and put them down. No one used to believe me when I told them about this behavior. Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for my favorite cousin (and traveling partner) he decided to unload on her this year while down in South Carolina. The bitch of it is that my mother still can’t seem ot wrap her brain around why I don’t like him, and why I don’t want to spend any time with him while he is home. (He lives in California – thankfully.) Did I mention he also lies and my mother buys completely into it? So, he always makes me out to be the bad guy, but I don’t buy into his games, nor do I defend myself anymore. It’s not worth it. But it does make the season more of a hassle then it needs to be.

The other thing that has been aggravating is the freaking Hollyweird jet set whining about how they are being shunned for speaking out their political views. Holy shit, Tim Robbins alone has been in 10 movies since 2003. Sean “wife beater” Penn has been in seven, and poor Johnny Depp – I’m sure he is crying all the way to the bank with his 14 movies. Yeah, right. You all are suffering tons, I can tell. Now, STFU all of you. I am so sick of listening to you elitist snobs prattling on about how spurned you feel.

Same with all those freak show asshats that think a Christmas tree in the class room is religious oppression. It’s a tree. Get over it. I actually read an article about how there was once school that put up a “Holiday tree” with little paper mittens and sleds and the like with names and wish lists of those who are less fortunate. The purpose was to let children take one of them (if they wanted to) and get a gift for the poor soul that probably wouldn’t get anything other than that gift. (We do the same thing here at work.) A parent complained that it was offensive. Teaching a child the lessons of charity is offensive? Screw you, you moonbat. None the less, the teacher was forced to take the tree down.

Congratulations to the Iraqis –taking the power to vote, and the time, and forcing the polling places to stay open longer to accommodate your desires. It’s awe inspiring and a little sad that more of our own citizens don’t take the time and responsibility to vote.

Anyway, that’s about all the time I have for the rantin’. Chances are that I won’t have too much time in the coming days to update…

So, just in case I don’t get the chance:

Happy Hanukah, Merry Yule, Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. My best wishes to everyone and their families during the holiday season., no matter which holiday they celebrate.

Poor Michelle

Michelle Malkin has a lovely case of bronchitis. She apparently is looking for a hot tottie recipe. Here's my hot tottie - as taught to me by my grandmother (though she denies it):

3/4 cup whiskey (of choice)
2 TBLS lemon juice
1 tbls honey
heat in microwave for about 30 seconds and stir.

A recipe I found on the web which sounds even better:
3/4 cup steaming hot, strongly brewed tea
1/2 tsp lemon juice
2 tbls good whiskey,
good bourbon or try spiced rum!:-)
1 tbls honey
1 cinnamon stick
1/4 tsp nutmeg (optional)
Put all into large mug, stir with cinnamon stick!!

I know, I am such an alcomaholic... I can't stand it. Actually, I haven't had the need for either recipe since I quit smoking. Haven't had bronchitis since... which is a very good thing...

Joe doing what Joe does

I really have nothing of note to say, not even the typical "this is how my week went" blathering... so, on to Friday Joes and what Joe does best:

This is from our trip to Canyon Ranch. When we finally were able to drop our luggage off in the room, Joe volunteered to stay behind and watch it for us. Personally, I think he was done with the whole overdose of estrogen thing. He needed some away time to shake it off, but he was kind enough to let me take a picture before leaving the room. He is always so good to me.

To answer Lucy Stern's question, Joe has taken aim at Kitty One (the Monster) once. A man has a right to protect himself. She learned a valuable lesson that day. Sometimes you can teach a cat to respect you.

Last but not least - the most exciting thing that happened this week is that I made it to the finals of the Euchre tournament that we had at the company Holiday Party on Wednesday. I hadn’t played in so long that I was sure I would bomb out. I came in third place over all – so that’s something, eh?

Frappr? What?

Ahah! New toy - check it out: I gots myself a map! and it's better than the silly little bravenet map, because it's google... I guess. Anyway, this was shamelessly stolen from Annika, because it's there and she rocks. Now go sign my map!!!! Please?

In other news, would someone please tell this assnugget to STFU all ready? You know what, it's fine to not support the war, that's your right. It's ok to have some sort of constructive criticism directed at the administration... but to continue to blather in such a way that destroys troop morale and to tell everyone there is no possible way for the US to win this… I just don’t have the energy to go on about how asinine and stupid this man is. Why is anyone still listening to him?

That was close

ABBA will never reform!. I know I am going to breathe a lot easier from now on. It was a close one, especially after this morning's news of Rick Springfield's re-emergence of Dr. Noah Drake on General Hospital.

Great, now that freakin’ Jessie’s Girl song is stuck in my head – it took, like, a decade to get out… oh, and now I’m like, you know, like all Valley Girlish.

Gag me with a ginsu! Seriously, I need help. The twitching has all ready set in...

Friday Humor

Hubster just sent this one along... (I don't know if it has been making the rounds and I am too lazy to find out right now...)

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes
with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds
before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was
stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

~~~~

This was an actual news story posted in the Out There section of Fox News:

GERMANTOWN, Tenn. (AP) — A man wearing only socks was arrested along a busy street after witnesses said he fired a gun at afternoon traffic.
Temperatures were in the 40s when the incident occurred Tuesday. Police said no witnesses were injured.

Glenn Higgs, 44, of Germantown, was charged with reckless endangerment, indecent exposure, firing a weapon in the city limits and public intoxication, authorities said.

"I couldn't believe it," said Eddie Cox, who was driving home from the bank when he saw the naked gunman in this Memphis suburb.

Cox called police, who arrested Higgs at the scene and found a revolver in a nearby yard.

Higgs was sent to a hospital for a foot injury sustained when he earlier jumped from the second story of his home, authorities said.

Am I the only one seeing the irony of the witness' name?

That's all.

I said turn left!

Sir, yes Sir!

I know, I need help...

Thursday Rants

The horror of holiday shopping has all ready started getting to me and I haven’t even set foot in a retail outlet. First, there is amazon dot com which seems to be taking forever - or timing out – or “this page cannot be found” and is really getting on my nerves. Is anyone else having this problem? Is it that more people are online shopping for the holiday’s and the amazon servers canno’t take much more of dis, Ca’pan? (Ok, so my brogue needs work – hush!)

So then I get to the Mart of Wal site, find the one item I need to purchase to make one little girl really really happy for about five minutes (a baby that wets itself – for the love of all that is holy – why?). I click the item to thrown it in my cart and head to the check out ASAP because this thing is selling out like cabbage patch dolls on crack. Note to self, if ever I bear children, I solemnly swear that the child will not watch one iota of commercial TV until they move the hell out. Normally I don’t buy into the “must have” mentality, and I am really not sure why I did this time. It’s now a learning experience. Anyway, I fill out all the necessary information like name, address, billing info and click the continue button at the bottom of the page, when all of a sudden, this secondary page open (in the same window, mind you) supposedly from my credit card company asking for personal information to ensure that it is really me using the card…

I said, “I don’t think so!” I told the hubster about it, he called the company and sure enough – they don’t do any such thing and knew nothing about it. So, Wal-Mart did get my money, but the scam thing after that got nothin’ from me. I will also be calling them when I get home…

Did anyone else see this bs? It seems that my un-esteemed senator wants to give money to the people of Puerto Rico. I’m sorry, beeeyotch – perhaps you don’t remember the Puerto Rican people telling the US they didn’t want to be the 51st state. So, since that is the case, I can’t see any logic whatsoever in giving freakin’ tax refunds to those who PAY NO TAXES!!!! You freakin’ moron dipshit assnugget. I didn’t vote for you, get the hell out of my state!!!!

Also, I am more than just a little tired of hearing all the whining coming from New Orleans. I am sorry your city got flooded and a lot of people lost their homes and every thing they owned is now refuse. Really, you do have my sympathy as well as some of my hard earned cash. And apparently you are getting a lot more of my hard earned cash in the up coming years. Now, let me answer one of the questions I keep hearing over and over and over again.

There are many reasons why we are spending more money in Iraq than on your sunken city. One of those reason is because we went in there and bombed the shit out of it. Now, no matter what your personal stance is on the war in Iraq (I support it, by the way) the fact of the matter is that we went in and pretty much tore the cancerous tumor of Saddam’s government out and ruined a lot of the buildings and infrastructor in the process. We need to fix that. Kind of like “you’ve broke it, you’ve bought it” or in this case, you fix it. Leave it a better place then how you have found it.

Now, in the case of New Orleans – the federal government didn’t bomb your levees, didn’t force you to live there, didn’t personally direct Hurricane Katrina into your fair city. The federal government didn’t leave 500 buses to rot in a parking lot while telling everyone to head to the Super Stinky dome. The tax payers gave money to your State and Local governments to fix the levees to keep them up to code – and your government didn’t do it.

Now, let me fill you in on a little secret about the average human being living in this nation of ours – many of us, when we lose our house to mother nature – we get no federal help whatsoever. If a blizzard blows through Rottenchester and my house falls down because of it, well, this is my problem… right? Right.

Back when we were going through the process of buying a house here, we had to provide the bank and the insurance company affidavits from land surveyors to prove that we didn’t live on a flood plain. In other words, we cannot buy a house on a flood plain. Just that simple. So, when you think about the fact that New Orleans is actually built in a bowl surrounded by water, ya gotta wonder – why would anyone allow anyone else to live there? That – and it’s a miracle it didn’t happen sooner, followed by “Why the freak should I pay you to re-build there?”

I’m sorry. Not feeling very “peace on earth, good will towards men” today.