Pole Dancing In The Dark

Therapist?

Because all the cool kidz seem to be doing it and because I am such a total poser – why not? Besides, I have nothing else interesting to talk about other than how much I despise my job lately and how sick I am of listening to a certain fathead whine about how he needs a raise. Bastard only works 5 hours a day, and I use the term loosely… long story, never mind. I am just too bitter in my declining years. Which is why I need some therapy, Rachel style. (Somehow I always imagined there would be more pimp slapping involved...)

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? WHAT INSULTING NICKNAMES WERE YOU CALLED IN CHILDHOOD?
Ostrich. Ugly. Dumb ass – although I still get that one. Bird brain, Moon Unit. Oh, and my dad use to ask me to roll my head so he could hear the ball bearing that he was convinced was my brain spin around. Its a small wonder I don’t have self esteem issues. Well, I do, just not about being stupid, because I am not. I am so SMRT.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? WHEN YOU CRY, DO YOU LOOK UGLY, OR DOES IT GIVE YOU A BEAUTIFUL SAD GLOW?
Yeah, downright freakin’ hideous. However, I am not above using said hideousness to get people to stay the hell away from me.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? ARE YOU FORGETTING HOW TO WRITE BECAUSE YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON THE COMPUTER?
Not forgetting, but it is getting damn sloppy. I find actually writing things out becomes tedious after the second or third word. Those Catholic Grade School Nuns would be beating me senseless with a ruler about now.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? DO YOU THINK VEGETARIANS ARE INSANE? (BECAUSE THEY ARE.)
Yep. To quote a silly bumper sticker: If we aren’t supposed to eat animals than why are they made of meat? (And so damned tasty?)

DO YOU HAVE KIDS? DO YOU LIKE KIDS? IF SO, WHY? WHY, IN THE NAME OF GOD?
Yeah, not so much. I like my godson but that is because I have to. The rest of my nieces and nephews – as long as I can give them back within 10 minutes, its all good. It’s probably best that I am having the infertility issues I am. But I keep being told that I will so totally love my own.

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? IF YOU WERE A DOG, WOULD YOU LICK YOURSELF JUST BECAUSE YOU COULD? DON'T TRY TO DENY IT.
Nah. There is the whole licking of the bunghole thing that I just could do without.

DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? ARE YOU AS FRIGHTENED OF CLOWNS AS YOU SHOULD BE IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU?
Yeah… Pennywise scared the hell out of me. And so did toilets for about a month after reading IT. The movie was so stupid however, it undid all the mental / imagination damage. Still hate clowns though. Plus there is that whole tons of clowns stuffed in a small car that is so unnatural, it frightens me.

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? IF YOU COULD BE EITHER VERY BEAUTIFUL OR VERY SMART, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WHY?
Beautiful – no one expects you to do anything when you are beautiful , just look pretty – smart – they just use you until you are burnt out. (No, I am not bitter, not at all…)

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? HOW MUCH MONEY WOULD YOU REQUIRE TO HAVE INTIMATE RELATIONS WITH MICHAEL MOORE OR ROSIE O'DONNELL (DEPENDING ON YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCE BUT DOES THAT REALLY MATTER WITH THESE TWO)?
A cool 120 Mill and a paper bag. In a dark room. No curtains. No light source of any kind. And a mind wipe after I deposit the money in the bank.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CUSS WORD?
Thanks to the hubster’s rather colorful vocabulary: fuck stick or dick smack. It’s a toss up. Actually, dick smack makes me giggle more.

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? IF YOU'RE A MAN, HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT YOUR JUNK IN YOUR ZIPPER? HOW BAD DID IT HURT? IF YOU'RE A WOMAN, HOW GLAD ARE YOU THAT YOU'RE NOT A MAN? Pretty damn happy about it for about 3 weeks out of the month.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO GROW OLD OR DIE TRAGICALLY YOUNG? I’m already old but when people my age die, I still bemoan how young they were. Then I get all morbid and remember that I am not immortal and imagine myself dying. It’s quite depressing. Perhaps some therapy? Nah, just pass me some chocolate.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? DESCRIBE YOUR MOST RECENT NIGHTMARE. Zombies and alligators and I am stuck in a swamp – surrounded by both.
Stupid zombies.
Stupid gators.
Stupid swamp.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? DO YOU WISH THAT, INSTEAD OF PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION DEBATES, THEY INSTEAD HAD TO BOX EACH OTHER, BECAUSE THEN THERE'D NEVER EVER BE ANOTHER DEMOCRAT IN THE WHITE HOUSE?
I dunno, that Hildabeast is one scary assed biotch. She might be able to win. Do we really want to take that chance?

RED OR PINK? ABBA: THE BLONDE OR THE BRUNETTE?
Brunette – blonds are over-rated. (Yep, I’m bitter)

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? WHAT DISEASE DO YOU MOST FEAR CONTRACTING?
Ebola - the bleeding out the mouth and rectum thing gets me every time. Oh, and the drug resistant variety of TB. Scary shit... especially since the sufferers all seem ok with contaminating other people and traveling. Dumbasses.

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? WHO DO YOU MISS THE LEAST?
Monraj Baathe or some such. Some jerkoff dick smack from college. I don’t remember how to spell his name really, but he was the first person who taught me what the word hate meant.

WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DO YOU HATE SHOPPING FOR NEW CLOTHES (10 BEING SO MUCH YOU'D RATHER CLEAN THE CAT BOX WITH YOUR BARE HANDS).
8 – unless someone else is buying.
5 - if shopping over the internet. That way I don't have to deal with the salespeople. Or anyone else for that matter.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE BEFORE THE LAST TIME YOU THREW UP?
Pizza, I believe. I just remember pain pain pain – oh look, a pepperoni… pain

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? NAME FIVE "CLASSIC" POPULAR SONGS YOU HOPE YOU NEVER HEAR AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU LIVE.
Freebird
Any Boston Song
Zeppelin’s Kashmir
Any Beatles song or remake there of
Any 38 special song

IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? IF YOU WERE A DOG, WHICH BREED WOULD YOU BE?
Alaskan husky or German Shepard. They be bad ass and beautiful. And they have those fuzzy ears.

FAVORITE SMELLS? FAVORITE BODILY FUNCTION? (COUGH, SNEEZE, BELCH, POOP, FART, YAWN, ETC) Belching, because I am so damned good at it – yeah, that’s right, I am a petite flower.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU HAD A HUGE FIGHT WITH, WHAT WAS THE FIGHT ABOUT, AND WHO WON? Hubster and Hubster - I was being a little hormonal and demented. It happens.

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? AS WE ALL KNOW, PRO FOOTBALL IS THE ONLY SPORT WORTH CARING ABOUT. IN LIGHT OF THAT FACT, WHO IS THE BEST NFL QUARTERBACK OF THE LAST 10 YEARS? BEST RUNNING BACK? BEST WIDE RECEIVER? BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER? BIGGEST PRIMA DONNA? WHINIEST BITCH? Hockey – biotch!

HAIR COLOR? BALD MEN ARE VERY SEXY. DISCUSS. I once had a thing for Connery and Jean Luc - I got over it. Bruce Willis was much hotter with hair.

EYE COLOR? THE INVENTION OF THE PILL IS A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO BELIEVE IN GOD. DISCUSS. Until it gives you migraine headaches – then the happiness of predicable cycles is gone and you wallow in the bounce back pms into a spiraling depression.

But hey, if it works it is the shit!

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? DO YOU HAVE PERFECT VISION? IF SO, RACHEL LUCAS ENVIES YOU WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND GALAXIES.
Nope. But due to the idiots at the DMV, my license still reflects the non-glasses me... hee hee hee hee

FAVORITE FOOD? FOOD YOU FIND SO REPUGNANT THAT YOU SIMPLY CANNOT BELIEVE OTHER PEOPLE PUT IT IN THEIR MOUTHS?
Liver, sauerkraut, white hot dogs, peas.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? WHEN YOU GO TO THE MOVIES AND THE JERK BEHIND YOU KICKS YOUR SEAT CONSTANTLY, DO YOU IGNORE/MOVE OR DO YOU CHALLENGE THEM TO FISTICUFFS?
I avoid movie theaters for this very reason. Much rather watch them in the comfort of my own home. (But I am not above menacing glares if I do go and the above scenario happens – they seem to work.)

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED THAT MADE YOU GET ON YOUR KNEES AFTERWARDS AND BEG GOD TO GIVE YOU THE LAST TWO HOURS OF YOUR LIFE BACK?
Ultraviolet. Dear gods, why oh why do they continue to give whathername staring parts? Her body isn’t all that great – is it?

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? DO YOU EVER PUT CLOTHES ON YOUR PETS?
Not if I want to live.

SUMMER OR WINTER? BEER, WINE, OR LIQUOR?
Coffee – but if alcohol it needs to be Tequila. Petron if you can afford it.

HUGS OR KISSES? FALL ASLEEP OR CUDDLE? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

FAVORITE DESSERT? FAVORITE FOOD THAT YOU KNOW WILL KILL YOU EVENTUALLY BUT YOU DON'T CARE BECAUSE IT IS JUST SO FREAKING DELICIOUS?
Nutella on pretzels. I can’t kick the addiction, man!!!!

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO DISGUSTED BY A BOOK'S ENDING THAT YOU VIOLENTLY DESTROYED THE BOOK?
Yes, it’s why I no longer read Stephen King. Bastard.

WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? DO YOU HAVE P0RN ON YOUR COMPUTER? DON'T LIE.
Nope… oh wait, just inherited Hubster’s computer – so probably. I just haven’t found it yet.

WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? TRUE OR FALSE: "REALITY" T.V. IS THE BEST REASON FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD TO HATE AMERICA.
That and the skanks that are so called “stars”… oh, and the stupid names the media give celebrity couples. Actually, I hate us a little for that one as well.

FAVORITE SOUND? FAVORITE DRUNKEN SLATTERN: PARIS, LINDSEY, OR BRITNEY?
Who? What?
Don’t even acknowledge their existence.

ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? MOST DESERVING OF CHUCK-NORRIS-STYLE ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE THROAT: AL GORE OR JESSE JACKSON?
Al Gore. JJ would just sue me for racism if I said him. Tipper could use a good ass whumping as well. Just for her name... Tipper... WTF?

WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? WHAT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME YOU GOT DRUNK? 'FESS UP.
14 – at an Italian girl’s house. It was my first lesson on how nasty Sambuca was. Especially when it made a reappearance later... and the next day... ugh

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? IF YOU COULD HAVE MAD SKILLZ IN DANCING OR IN SINGING, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WOULD IT BE FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL SATISFACTION OR TO IMPRESS OTHER PEOPLE AND POSSIBLY GET SOME ACTION?
Singing – I am a superstar! I impress myself all the time with my lounge lizard stylins’

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPERPOWER, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WOULD YOU USE IT FOR GOOD OR EVIL? The ability to bulk erase certain democrat politicians' minds so that they would be considered unfit for office. Oh wait…

WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? IF YOU NEVER SEE ANOTHER Q&A MEME AGAIN, WILL IT BE TOO SOON?
Nope – it’s the only way I come up with any content (lame or not) for this here blog lately.

Posted by Ethne at July 11, 2007 03:57 PM | TrackBack