Pole Dancing In The Dark

Halloween Helpful Hints

This is a tradition for me. Every year I post this Halloween helpful advice list to ensure that all my beloved gentle readers make it through another Hallow’s Eve. The list started on a message board, and ever since I have kept it alive with any additions that my gentle readers, myself or fellow message board brethren have come up with. (Except for any that I may have lost when reloading computers or the transfer to another computer at work… it’s not an exact science…)
Enjoy!

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead. It isn’t.

2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move away immediately.

3. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

4. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

5. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language, which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice, which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

6. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.

7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

8. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

9. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

10. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

11. Do not take anything from the dead. No matter how much you like it, it's bound to disagree with you sooner or later.

12. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

13. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

14. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Note that if you are blonde and of the female persuasion, just kill your self now because the monster is going to catch you any way. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely rambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

15. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

16.Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Haddonfield, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, and any small town in Maine,
Maryland, and Massachusetts.

17.If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to use the telephone. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself in the head. You are going to die anyway and most likely be eaten.

18. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

19. Don't make fun of or play with dead things.

20. If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do not try to 'help' them - they will eat you.

21. If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.

22. Never have sex in the bunk beds of recently renovated summer camps.

23. Whenever you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

24. Do not allow crewmates back aboard the craft if and after you have found a hideous parasite attached to his/her body.

25. Be forewarned that a gun is only good for ALMOST killing the monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra weapon, preferably one with ”flair" (a knife, a harpoon, a heavy box, razor confetti, pop tarts...)

26. Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT was dead.

27. Never bathe, especially when in the house alone.

28. If you are a female, never expose yourself. Easy women die fast.

29. Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.

30. If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, and you say "Tom... Tom is that you?" and Tom does not answer, run away.

31. If you have to run away, taking a bus is your best bet. If you take a car the monster will be in it.

32. Don’t ever watch unfamiliar and bizarre videotapes.

33. Never let the little bitch out of the well.

34. Never trust a computer with a little girl avatar.

35. If there are supernatural elements going on around you, don't have sex.

36. If you are a blond, dye your hair! You have a much better chance of survival if you are a brunette, or redhead. (I guess we don't taste as good or something...)

(no offense to my blond brothers and sisters)

37. Stay out of cornfields, woods, swamplands and bodies of water. These are locations where no one will hear you if you scream, or if the do hear you, they will never find you in time.

38. Stay out of big old scary looking mansions, nothing good ever comes from your visit, no matter how considerate a houseguest you are.

39. Never back slowly down stairs, around corners, or through doorways. You have just been where you are coming from and you should know that the threat is not there.

40. If the phone goes dead just when you are about to call for help, don't waist time jiggling the receiver cradle and shouting "Hello" into the receiver. Giving away your position while masking the sounds of the opponents approach is NOT a good tactic.

41. For Heaven's sake, listen to us Moors residents when we tell you to "Keep to the roads, lads!"

42. Stay away from dusty old tomes with questionable fabric covers.

43. Never try to read aloud from books when they are written in some obscure dead language, even if you are a linguistics expert. There are reasons why certain languages are dead.

44. Never say, “It could be worse,” because it will get much worse.

45. Never turn your back on stuffed animals, dolls or clowns. They may seem innocent enough, but they are really demons laying in wait.

46. Do not try destroying same dolls, animals or clowns with fire, water, or exorcism, as this only pisses them off. Just resign yourself to the fact that your life is over.

47. Never invite a ghost or spirit to show itself. It may think that you want it to stay and will make itself at home

Posted by Ethne at October 25, 2005 10:54 AM | TrackBack